1.  Go out for sushi with a friend.

2. Decide to order one more roll at the last minute but not one more martini.

3. Realize you should have left for your audition 15 minutes ago.

4.Show up exactly when your audition is starting.

4.a. Make sure you are the token “straggler,” “new face,” or “late arrival.”

5. Describe the movie “Audition” (the violent one where the chick gets chopped up and thrown into a burlap sack) when asked to talk about a movie you’ve recently seen. Fail to rhyme in the the ryhming game. (This is where the second martini would have helped you.) Then, just try and be funny a lot.  

6.  On your way home after being cut in the first round, obviously, notice that the traffic is very heavy going the way you will need to be going to your second audition in a little while.

7. Once home, make a putzy salad and watch Between Two Ferns for forty minutes.  Change into some crappy off the shoulder shirt so you can look “colligate” and “naive” per the next audition’s request.

8. Realize you should have left 15 minutes ago, especially given the traffic you saw.

9. Park in a loading zone and forget to leave your flashers on.  Keep this in the back of your mind throughout the audition 

10.  In the wating room, sit by a group of recent Northwestern graduates giving eachother tips on “who’s really great to work for.”  Listen to a kid who is so latently homosexual it’s overwhelming talk about he’s the only straight guy in the rock opera he’s in.  Listen to a blonde chick who looks EXACTLY like what the character breakdown describes talk about how “fantastic” New York was last weekend but how she could never live there because her parents would worry. Let this all infuriate you.  I mean, really let it get to you.  Give way to that anger/jealousy/hopelessness hybrid forming deep in your gut.

11.  Wait until after you get called in to remember you hadn’t looked at the copy since yesterday. Wait until after you get called in to realize your off the shoulder shirt will make you look naked in any tight shots. Let these revalations panic you.

12. Forget to smile when you slate.

13. Read the wrong line on more than one take. 

13. a. Don’t forget to worry about your car parked illegally. 

14.  Let your subtext be, “shoot me” pretty much throughout. 

And that’s it! 14 easy steps!  Now YOU TOO can bomb TWO auditions in ONE day!